October 12, 2006


So achingly tired. It's been a helluva week. I have been over to the High Court (an hour or so from my little provincial town) three times this week. Today and yesterday i was junior on my first defended jury trial. And my boss won the case today! The jury only deliberated for about 20 minutes or so, so they were obviously clearly convinced. But otherwise the man could have gone to jail, he would have had his first conviction ever as a 50 something year old man. His whole family were crying with relief afterwards. He was so grateful......I feel like i have taken some drug. I am completely high on the ritual, the drama, how thick and heady with dealing with the reality of other peoples fears and emotions. I think i love it.

I drove the hour home and went straight to the gym. I have an exam in auckland tomorrow, 2 and a half hours drive, then a session from one until six in the evening. Then i am staying at my sister's place, she is making roast chicken, and then i am in the district court all the following saturday for the second practical part of my exam. I haven't had time to do any study tonight. I thought i needed to sweat and breathe more. But i think i will be okay.

I walked in the door tonight and there was a big bunch of flowers addressed to me sitting on the table. It was from my bosses, telling me good luck. They really like me, and i really like them. It is so great. I am quite lucky.

And i'm in love. And i hate that he is so far away. But i don't regret the decision to take this job. I try not to regret anything if i can help it.

Frank is away tonight for work. I am going to have a shower, and then climb in next to little brother, after pushing his super robot monkey team hyper force go guy out the way, cause he's in the big bed and i can't face his cyclone jacob room tonight. Bad feng shui.


October 08, 2006

I live with 2 bachelors. One of them is 43 years old and one of them is 8. They are like those 2 old grumpy men on the muppets. I can't remember their names, but you know the ones that were always together.

Anyhow, tonight i was going to work wonders with leftover bbq steak, make a satay and plonk it in a toasted pita with some salad and guacomole. I ran through my plan to the boys, as if a waiter in a fine dining establishment might announce the specials that evening. I spoke as if i was creating a piece of art, as opposed to a quick sunday night meal.

Bachelor number one doesn't eat a whole lot. Bachelor number two has a voracious appetite, but a limited palate. Bachelor number one replied: I'm not that hungry, i'm just going to heat up some crap in the fridge.

So again, i repeated what was on offer to bachelor number 2. I even had to explain what satay sauce was. And his response:

"I'm gonna eat some crap heated up too".


October 01, 2006


Basically all we are is our relationships. That's what i think. I stood at the airport this afternoon and waved at the plane that was going to ferry the boy back to Wellington, and i saw all the people around me waving blindly as well, and heard little children whimpering about departing parents, and I thought, the boy and i aren't the only ones that have walked away from each other with our hands still touching today. Everyone is deeply soulfully invested in other people, much the same way i am. They love and feel protective over and feel angry at people, people i don't know, people that i watch as they stand forlornly or sullenly in the dock. Recrimating words from a judge, and they are torn from their loved ones for months, sometimes years at a time. And i won't even remember their names a week later. Other people may think of them daily, at every ceremonious occasion that they are absent, every time they see a beautiful sunset or make a delicious meal they will think - he's missing this. I wish he was here. But the same people mean nothing more than a fleeting glance of sympathy to me.

I wake up and think about what i'm going to wear. I go to sleep and wish only that i could kiss the boy goodnight. And, in the same inhalation, other people lost a loved one to cancer after months and months of a debilitating illness. Or a sudden car accident and a mother and father are numbly thinking about funeral arrangements for their teenage son. And all the while i am laughing at some mindless television programme.

For we all have our own exclusive web of existence. For although I believe we possess an infinite capacity to love others, there is only so much shared pain and pride and fears one soul can tolerate. My web expands as I get older. It stretches many many thousands of kilometres. Some of my more precious bonds are so physically remote at present that it has me weakened. But I continue to be delighted by the potential to extend and deepen existing bonds, and to create potential additional ever-lasting arterial growths, or even just transient threads that bring temporary comfort but will probably wither easily with distance or lack of nurturing.

A weekend of laughing and talking and kissing has left me revitalised. I must admit to feeling much more settled and secure compared to a month back. I feel excitement about the future again, not dread at another age of loneliness. I feel less lonely, knowing that everyone out there is loving and dreaming and lonely. Just like me.