Progress

Basically all we are is our relationships. That's what i think. I stood at the airport this afternoon and waved at the plane that was going to ferry the boy back to Wellington, and i saw all the people around me waving blindly as well, and heard little children whimpering about departing parents, and I thought, the boy and i aren't the only ones that have walked away from each other with our hands still touching today. Everyone is deeply soulfully invested in other people, much the same way i am. They love and feel protective over and feel angry at people, people i don't know, people that i watch as they stand forlornly or sullenly in the dock. Recrimating words from a judge, and they are torn from their loved ones for months, sometimes years at a time. And i won't even remember their names a week later. Other people may think of them daily, at every ceremonious occasion that they are absent, every time they see a beautiful sunset or make a delicious meal they will think - he's missing this. I wish he was here. But the same people mean nothing more than a fleeting glance of sympathy to me.

I wake up and think about what i'm going to wear. I go to sleep and wish only that i could kiss the boy goodnight. And, in the same inhalation, other people lost a loved one to cancer after months and months of a debilitating illness. Or a sudden car accident and a mother and father are numbly thinking about funeral arrangements for their teenage son. And all the while i am laughing at some mindless television programme.

For we all have our own exclusive web of existence. For although I believe we possess an infinite capacity to love others, there is only so much shared pain and pride and fears one soul can tolerate. My web expands as I get older. It stretches many many thousands of kilometres. Some of my more precious bonds are so physically remote at present that it has me weakened. But I continue to be delighted by the potential to extend and deepen existing bonds, and to create potential additional ever-lasting arterial growths, or even just transient threads that bring temporary comfort but will probably wither easily with distance or lack of nurturing.

A weekend of laughing and talking and kissing has left me revitalised. I must admit to feeling much more settled and secure compared to a month back. I feel excitement about the future again, not dread at another age of loneliness. I feel less lonely, knowing that everyone out there is loving and dreaming and lonely. Just like me.