I have to wonder about people who's parents have been happily married for 30 odd years and are in good health, and everyone gets together in the one place for Christmas, perhaps even some aunties and uncles and cousins. Can you ever really appreciate something unless you have lost it. Or, would you be so terrified about losing it that you wouldn't appreciate it. I love my little brother so much. He is one of my favourite people, he inspires me, warms me from the core. But this week, while his dad has been away, while i have found myself back in that role that reminds me constantly of what him and i have lost, i can't help but wish that I could love him even more. That he deserves so very much more.

This is why i was afraid to come back.

I'm not good when i am alone too much. I get too introspective. But there's something different now. Even now, while I am writing this I know I am not the person who left him 2 and a half years ago. I have a fire (and a chicken iskender) in my belly, a purpose, the bigger picture. And I'm not afraid.