September 17, 2006

I'm so lonesome...

You see i have decided this weekend i actually need people. I need to talk. I need to entertain. I need to laugh, god i need to laugh. And when there is a dearth of people around, especially my 'kind' of people, i wilt a bit. And i get quite pitifully unmotivated. I spend a large part of my waking day alone and mute these days. At work, in an office by myself. At home, the boys are often out. I woke up yesterday morning and felt wiped out. And then i spent most of the day in my room, organising, going through the physical testimony of my time on earth, listening to evanescence and Eminem. And i felt continued to feel a bit dizzy and sluggish. There was something despairingly familiar about my surroundings. I have cried long and hard in this shower before. And the boy texted, and rang, and i couldn't even answer the phone. I had the first really good cry i've had since i was lost in rome with no passport and no money. And then i went out for a walk. Except i drove. I hit the gate backing out. And my vision was a bit blurry driving. And i just drove. And I ended up down at the water. And the Spring equinox was swallowed me with her furious breath. And i ran. I have new sneakers. And then i was in the Reserve where my mother's family grew up, named after her. And i breathed. And looked out at the water and watched a formation of sea birds carry me away, speared by a straight arrowhead across the surface of the water. More birds were perched in this skeleton branch gasping for breath from out of the swell. And i'm gasping too. To keep perspective. To find peace in the moment. Because that is all we have.

There are skeletons here too. I could get strangled in the past. I could wallow in my solitude (that is what i am inclined to do). but i am aware of it. I am conciously watching it play out in me as it happens and i know it is unhealthy. I made myself go out Saturday night with a bunch of married people and strangers and one good friend. I had a good time. This morning i went to the gym from hell, almost had a fight with the woman signing me up when she demanded i put my occupation and employer down on the contract (but why do you need this information - well because it's a contract - yes but why do you need that for this contract) and then sweated and kicked and punched and got rid of some of that bad energy that inevitably plays itself out in an allover tremble in my physical self. I watched a girl get carried off the mat with an excruciating injury, there was another woman on the floor with a cast on (coming back for more huh). And I should be feeling better now. But i'm losing weight. I'm dreaming poorly. I'm brusque if not downright rude to people (the gym woman for example).

I love the work that i'm doing. But I'm lonely. The question is: what am i going to do about it.

3 Comments:

  • At 4:30 pm, Blogger Jessie said…

    It's good that you love your work. Hope you find some company.

     
  • At 5:15 am, Blogger Mandy said…

    Get a dog. It's impossible to be sad for long with a dog.

     
  • At 8:25 pm, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said…

    Oh Pix.

    I almost felt like I was sat on your shoulder watching you run and cry.

    Loneliness, you scurvy dog. Begone and leave us be!

     

Post a Comment

<< Home