September 19, 2006

Miss Pix of the High Court

Well just to put to rest those vicious circles circulating about me having an attitoood, I had my first solo appearance in Court today (my practising certificate arrived in my hot little hands and my bosses eyes just gleamed) and my stomach is still uneasy from how nervous i was. Of course i wouldn't tell off a judge! I'm only little.

But it was good to get it over with.

Then i went and saw my own lawyer about the evil auntie to little effect. Stupid lawyers.

Thank you for all your kindness about my inadequate handling of solitoood. The boy has booked plane tickets for a week and a half away and we are talking beautifully every night at the moment. So that's nice. And at some stage i need to hunt down L-Boogie and the Boston Bear.

September 17, 2006

I'm so lonesome...

You see i have decided this weekend i actually need people. I need to talk. I need to entertain. I need to laugh, god i need to laugh. And when there is a dearth of people around, especially my 'kind' of people, i wilt a bit. And i get quite pitifully unmotivated. I spend a large part of my waking day alone and mute these days. At work, in an office by myself. At home, the boys are often out. I woke up yesterday morning and felt wiped out. And then i spent most of the day in my room, organising, going through the physical testimony of my time on earth, listening to evanescence and Eminem. And i felt continued to feel a bit dizzy and sluggish. There was something despairingly familiar about my surroundings. I have cried long and hard in this shower before. And the boy texted, and rang, and i couldn't even answer the phone. I had the first really good cry i've had since i was lost in rome with no passport and no money. And then i went out for a walk. Except i drove. I hit the gate backing out. And my vision was a bit blurry driving. And i just drove. And I ended up down at the water. And the Spring equinox was swallowed me with her furious breath. And i ran. I have new sneakers. And then i was in the Reserve where my mother's family grew up, named after her. And i breathed. And looked out at the water and watched a formation of sea birds carry me away, speared by a straight arrowhead across the surface of the water. More birds were perched in this skeleton branch gasping for breath from out of the swell. And i'm gasping too. To keep perspective. To find peace in the moment. Because that is all we have.

There are skeletons here too. I could get strangled in the past. I could wallow in my solitude (that is what i am inclined to do). but i am aware of it. I am conciously watching it play out in me as it happens and i know it is unhealthy. I made myself go out Saturday night with a bunch of married people and strangers and one good friend. I had a good time. This morning i went to the gym from hell, almost had a fight with the woman signing me up when she demanded i put my occupation and employer down on the contract (but why do you need this information - well because it's a contract - yes but why do you need that for this contract) and then sweated and kicked and punched and got rid of some of that bad energy that inevitably plays itself out in an allover tremble in my physical self. I watched a girl get carried off the mat with an excruciating injury, there was another woman on the floor with a cast on (coming back for more huh). And I should be feeling better now. But i'm losing weight. I'm dreaming poorly. I'm brusque if not downright rude to people (the gym woman for example).

I love the work that i'm doing. But I'm lonely. The question is: what am i going to do about it.

September 12, 2006

Just an update

Sometimes i'm such a bore. Which is why i haven't been writing of late. I'm in a post round the world trip, embarking on a new career but over the initial terror of it slump. Actually, that's not entirely accurate. I am too still terrified...

I have joined a new geeky club. I might even make some friends my own age. Which is good because i can't spend all my free time with a 40 something year old man and an 8 year old boy. I have been doing Pilates and bought some space-aged technology sneakers today for my mental well-being. I try and refrain from drinking alone as much as possible (but Frank doesn't drink and the J-man has a low tolerance due to aforementioned 8-ness). The boy came and visited me the weekend before last and it was bliss, and enough to keep my romantically starved 26 year old soul afloat for another few weeks.

Anyway, life is grand. It's not perfect, I'm alone a lot, I have to have a showdown with the evil Auntie sooner rather than later, and professionally, I'm at the bottom of the foodchain. But I'm inspired, I'm scared, I'm alive!

In other matters, the boy did one of those Myers Briggs tests on me. I'm publishing it, because i was pleased with the results. Except for the point about being slightly unmarrieable.

You are an ENFJ - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging (Extraverted Feeling with Introverted Intuition).

Popular and sensitive, with outstanding people skills. Externally focused, with real concern for how others think and feel. Usually dislike being alone. They see everything from the human angle, and dislike impersonal analysis. Very effective at managing people issues, and leading group discussions. Interested in serving others, and probably place the needs of others over their own needs.

You make up 4.3% of the population which is a small group
40% of you get married
You are in the 5th highest earner group