February 24, 2007

The detour

Well, I've lapsed again. In my defence, life has been pretty hectic. The boy has gone. We now function in completely opposite time zones. It has been...hard. By all accounts I am accustomed to lack of physical proximity for weeks at a time. But I was used to having constant verbal communication and that is what I am missing most at the moment. He had become my confidante, and the person I would look to for encouragement when I was nervous, or calming when I was upset, or just to yabber on about whatever had gone on in Court that day. I'm a bit lost without that.

Case example. His mother, older brother and myself farewelled him at just past 9:30pm Sunday night (NZ time). I kept it together right until I was sitting in my car by myself afterwards. I could have stayed with my sister, but we were in the middle of that murder trial and I had to be in Rotorua the next morning. So I started the 2 and a half hour drive home, confident I knew the road well enough that I could just take my time and turn the music up if I got tired.

But there was a detour at the Manukau on-ramp and I was lost within half an hour. And I reached down to my phone and called him. He was just about to board and my voice was pitifully unsteady as I said I would be alright. After getting directions and snailing my way on to the motorway behind a huge backlog of traffic, I was okay. Until 40 minutes or so later down the road the highway I needed to take was closed for two hours for an accident. It was after 11 at night at this stage. I didn't know the alternative route. It was dark, I was already feeling miserable and I rang up my sister almost beside myself. She was really really good, notwithstanding the fact I had woken her, and she called me back two times after that to make sure I was okay. And I was. I was in a constant state of disorientation, but I had a map. I got hellishly tired, but the frequency of small bunny rabbits darting out on the roads in front of me kept me alert, until I got one third time lucky. I got home at 2 in the morning and melted in to my bed, and I can't help but think that it was some sort of test.

Of course I was going to pass.