I am loud

I am confrontational. I am a vexation to the spirit - mine and those of others. I think I am a good person but I lack a lot of self-discipline, and insight, and wisdom. I feel too much, and think far too little. I was always "the noise maker" in my family, in my own defence, in the defence of others, just generally because the world was such a cruel and unjust place. And I have mellowed with age, okay maybe not mellowed. Perhaps acquired the slightest ability to reign it in or walk away, or at least the resources to avoid a catalytic environment. Perhaps I have separated myself from anyone to the degree where i am not threatened, perhaps i am just as incompatible with outspokenness, fire and control as I am with docility, earth and soft-spokenness. Perhaps I fall desperately hard with reckless abandon and then cower on the cold hard ground terrified of the consequences. Perhaps I seek that which is unobtainable for one of my disposition, or for anyone for that matter. That elation, that high, to be sustainable, enduring. Perhaps I just don't possess the patience required to sustain anything, and I will drift freely, selfish and unmanageable, without sacrifice, without possession, without true understanding.