I'm not in an introspective phase. That is why this is not coming easily. In fact it's hard. But it's still light late now. The build up to Christmas inevitably means there is more going on. And i'm just not psyched about anything enough to write. I'm content. In tune. Just humming along.

I got an email back today from the director of CPAG. I had emailed her with my condolensces over her husband's unexpected death (as if death can ever really be unexpected.....) and she wrote back this lovely email. And i felt ashamed at some of her questions because i'm not doing anything love love with my life. Her daughter, another lawyer who didn't want to be a lawyer, who I worked on the monograph with, is currently doing work for the International Court of Justice at the Hague. Which makes me think maybe I shouldn't just be pissing my time away when i travel. Or teaching english just so i can pay off the wretched student loan. I want to sell my soul to a cause. I'm so goddamn putrifyingly idealistic, and if i have nothing else to offer i feel that that must be something. Fuck it all.

I was in the bathroom at work this morning, not for any huge amount of time, I don't think, but I came back upstairs and my team had completely cleared out. It was like a morgue. I checked my calendar and there was nothing scheduled. I walked from little green cubicle to little green cubicle poking my head in at desolate desks. I even ventured a wavery little 'hello'. Silence. I sat back down at my desk all jittery and jumped when the PA blared, calling me to the boardroom. I scooted down the hall and saw my Manager downstairs looking panicked. She locked eyes with me and this huge wave of relief washed across her face. The new CEO had asked for a pop meeting with my team. While I was sitting on the loo. And so i skulked in to the boardroom feeling very sheepish with all eyes on me, thinking, great first impression. Sigh.

Disclaimer to previous post. I do not love the boy. I do fall in 'love' quite easily, but it is presently a glowing coal sensation, a toasty form of potential, a bit more than the butterflies and vertigo of the very beginning. I feel a connection and excitement with him personality wise that i don't think i ever had with the ex. Maybe that's just the benefit of hindsight. But it's not safe yet. Love is big, right? Huge.