P is for post menstrual syndrome

Sucked in thinking I'd gotten away with being all happy tra la la for the last week or so. I've been in a pretty foul mood today. Answering the phone without any greeting - just the organisation's name and my name, and then just my name. Not being particularly helpful to anyone (very uncharacteristic). Seeing the old Catcher in the Rye foney in people rather than the sunlight in their souls. I tried doing what my boss very patronisingly makes us do at team meetings when everyone is fed up and looking suicidal, and attempted to identify one happy thought, one great thing about today. And couldn't. I haven't heard from the boy today.

But I found this pic.

This little guy has brightened up many a sad moment in my life. I was ecstatic when I found out Mum was pregnant when I was 17 years old. (After I had gotten over the fleeting moment of panic I experienced when Mum held up the ultrasound scan for my sisters and I in our tiny lounge, that it was of my baby, and that mum had somehow discovered I was having sex). I just knew I was going to get a little brother, just as I knew Kelly was going to be a girl.

I have a million little anecdotes, memories of him growing up, that could convey how much he pulled my fragmented little single parent family together and made me realise just how much I adore children. And stories about moments where my stomach would drop and my heart just bleed as I watched him struggle with the concepts of death and heaven and forever. But this is one of my favourites.

The year after mum died, I was finishing off the last couple of papers of my degree in Tauranga (where I grew up), 600km or so from Wellington and where my lectures were going on. A couple of very loyal friends were emailing me notes, but as unorganised as I was, it meant the lead up to exam time essentially meant studying the whole freakin semester's worth in a couple of weeks. Unfortunately Jacob was home sick from school for a few days during this manic time while I was studying and he didn't really get why I was so stressed out. He came and sat on my lap at one stage while I was hunched over a huge text book and asked me what was wrong.

I said someting along the lines of, Bridie has a very big spelling test to practice for.

Jacob pondered on this for a moment, and obviously still couldn't see what the big deal was because he responded very philosophically with, it's okay, if you don't know a word, just cross it out.

Of course I had to smile. And kiss him. And think back to the moment when I was sitting in a room at the girl's college by myself hoping like hell i'd done enough in the three hours to pass advanced contract.