Right, I haven't written in a while, probably just as well. And I'm tempted to stop typing and go find the ocean before I say something inappropriate again. Propriety, bah!
But that attitude is precisely the problem. I'm getting glimpses of how Ed Norton's character must have felt at the end of Fight Club. The whole movie it seems like it's everybody else who's completely fucked up and dysfunctional, but the twist (and it is a cracker of a twist) is that it was him that was crazy. It's not that I think I have a mental illness, I wouldn't be so flippant. I'm just concerned my perception of the world, my values, may be causing me to act and speak in ways that could, well are, hurting people around me. I guess what I'm really frightened of is that the person I've become over the last year or so has been a violent swing of the pendulum, just a little (or a lot) too far in the opposite direction from when I was in Tauranga. With no responsibility, no commitments, nobody else to consider but myself, am I becoming superficial, callous, selfish? Shouldn't I have earned some wisdom by now?
My one issue (and it's a biggie admittedly) is that I'm really very happy (yeah sounds it right now) - I'm a thousand times happier than I was when I had aforementioned commitments and responsibilities in abundance and was right at the front-line dealing with the whanau and the guy I'd been with since High School. So why the hell would I want to reclaim it? Well I may be imagining it, but I'm feeling suffocated by expectations to get it together at the moment. And I wonder if I should suppress elements in me that may potentially be causing this, grow up a bit (or a lot), think first a bit more, say a little less. I just wonder at what expense?