I fervently believe that there is meaning in everything. I also believe that we alone control how we respond to any event or person in our lives. I believe people come into our lives for a reason. And that, although it may seem senseless when they leave us, they leave us their essence that is purer and more potent than any earthly presence. I believe we are here for such a short time, that we have to love and live with everything that we are. I believe that the saddest things that have happened to me in my life, are also in a way, some of the most beautiful, because with them I have learnt who I love, what is important to me , who I am. And that piercing pain, that spears you to your core, leaves a chasm through which sunlight will eventually pour in. I believe I am a good person, but I can always be better. I believe as I get older, I am stronger, and yet more frightened. I believe that this exact moment is perfect, that it is a wonder just to be flesh and water and substance, to have a receptacle for this soul, to look at others and wonder what it is like to be them, and know that they are so infinitely different to me.
A street name flashes up on the computer screen at work and it hurts. A particular model of car drives past me on the street, and that hurts. And I want to wash my mushrooms instead of rubbing them, and I can't, and I could weep. And I laugh and I've stolen that laugh. And it hurts, oh god it hurts. But that's okay, I want to feel all of it. I want to cry myself to sleep. And wake up, with the dawn spraying my pyjama clad body in hope.
A street name flashes up on the computer screen at work and it hurts. A particular model of car drives past me on the street, and that hurts. And I want to wash my mushrooms instead of rubbing them, and I can't, and I could weep. And I laugh and I've stolen that laugh. And it hurts, oh god it hurts. But that's okay, I want to feel all of it. I want to cry myself to sleep. And wake up, with the dawn spraying my pyjama clad body in hope.
posted by Pix @ 7:58 pm
7 Comments:
At 10:03 pm,
The Douros said…
You are becoming increasingly cryptic. Are you sure you're alright?
At 2:38 am,
David said…
You had the "should we" conversation?
At 5:43 am,
Mandy said…
Maybe:
Et du coeur baises la vie..... jusqu’a ce que la mort la suprenne dans ton lit, noyée de désire, hurlant de plaisir,......
laisse le temps, impatient, tuer ta douleur. Et dis toi qu’il n’est pas de plus grand malheur que laisser mourir le rire dans ton coeur
Screw Life with all your heart..... until Death surprises it in your bed – drowning with desire, howling with pleasure...
let Time, impatient, kill your pain. And tell yourself there is no greater misfortune than to allow the laughter in your heart to die
At 9:43 am,
Anonymous said…
That is really vivid, you are such a lovely insightful person. Makes me feel really sad though, I hope you don't get any more things to grow from for a while... I am also really impressed that you wrote all that while a handsome ginga in a blue dressing gown was lying on your bed with a bung eye touching your butt with a teddy bear.
At 12:50 am,
Ultra Toast Mosha God said…
I still get familiar car syndrome. Old girlfriends spring to mind when I see a Ford Sierra or a Fiesta pootle by.
it's odd.
At 6:48 pm,
Lavinia said…
Wow, thats gorgeous.
I downloaded some music last week (sort of randomly) and in my selection I discovered I had Incubus, Live in Wellington. They performed Are you In and a snippet of Lionel Richie's Hello. I almost cried at the last song because it was one I had heard many times over in my childhood. Hearing a band I've grown to love in my teens doin a cover of that was really special.
It also made me think of you, what with the performance being in your home country. The crowd seemed to have an electric spirit about them, much like you do.
At 7:58 am,
Sadie Lou said…
despite the glaring pain in that post, that was a beautiful, pleasent read...
...thanks for sharing it.
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